菩萨蛮

云雁儿

<p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; mso-hansi-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">丽湖泛舟两首</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; mso-hansi-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">清波一望舒眉结，金秋日薄张飞蝶。何处笑声娇？水香衣上飘。</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; mso-hansi-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">人生甘与苦，大半归尘土。转眼是来春，岭南枝又新。</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US"><p><font face="Times New Roman">&nbsp;</font></p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; mso-hansi-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">秋风声里层楼曲，天山一隔人南北。听者尽伤怀，似从伊梦来。</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; mso-hansi-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">可怜千古月，枉自清晖设。今岁又迟迟，相逢知几时。</span></p>

离垢居

<p>张飞蝶的张字建议再斟酌。</p><p>第一首的上下片之间少了必然联系。下片起二句很重要的，当是承上启下作用。这儿没处理好，有生生断开之感。</p><p></p><p></p>

云雁儿

<p>谢谢楼上。张，所说不足处我再想：（（</p><p>过片本来是表达一种突然带出的愁绪.也许并没成功，也容后酌改。</p>