过滴水巖觀桃花口占

浔阳倦客 · 发表于 2007-3-19 17:40:39

调整一下次序如何：飞霞一片逐春风，岭上夭桃十里红。

无稽斋主 · 发表于 2007-3-19 21:14:44

回一得兄,点即散,没有整体气势,倦客兄之意见也与实际情况不符.各种意见，一并打包，并对拙诗说明如下:<span style="FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-family: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;">夭桃十里占春風，一路经行所见。<span style="FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-family: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-family: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;">嶺上霞飛一片紅，远望目的地所见。<span style="FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-family: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-family: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-family: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;">水態山容明麗處，临目的地。<span style="FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-family: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-family: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-family: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-family: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;">看花人在萬花中，目的地花光盛况。<span style="FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-family: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-family: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-family: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-family: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;">

无稽斋主 · 发表于 2007-3-20 16:02:25

谢鸟兄捧场：）

阿咸 · 发表于 2007-3-20 18:01:45

偶觉得仰翁的意见值得考虑，题目总是起着导读的作用．

无稽斋主 · 发表于 2007-3-21 09:48:20

谢阿咸兄直言,容再考虑.

苍篁 · 发表于 2007-3-24 19:57:21

一  用一飞字，恰好把乘车所见的动感描出来了。这个感觉只有今人能有，古人即使是大才，也无法得此。这正是本诗的妙处。二  窃以为还是在题中适当处加入有关‘车行’、‘车过’、‘道中’等字样为好，这将有助于读者对动感美的理解和欣赏。二  就动感而论，‘一片红’比‘万点红’要好。远处，车中，应是见片不见点。

无稽斋主 · 发表于 2007-3-25 18:11:02

谢苍篁先生!

燕俊萍 · 发表于 2007-3-25 20:23:42

燕学习！

无稽斋主 · 发表于 2007-3-26 09:52:57

谢燕俊萍兄捧场.题目从仰老意见加过字.

菜人 · 发表于 2007-3-26 11:23:23

可写成组诗，一事一题，庶可免此诗第二句与末句之矛盾。

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